This is a bit more of a personal post and has been an
ongoing struggle to write. Up until
this month I felt like as a therapist it was unprofessional to write such an intimate
blog post. A student at DBT Path is also
pregnant due in a few days and I felt like it would really helpful to share my
birth experience with her. The more I
thought about it, started to write then stopped the more I realized it is not
unprofessional to write a personal blog post, but rather professional and
sincere to share what might be a post that is helpful to others. Here we go- My Birth Story and how DBT Skills Kept Me Sane
TW- Although I do
not get into medical detail, this can be uncomfortable to read for some.
Once I found out I was pregnant I was on what I called the “hippie
mom bandwagon.” I researched doulas in
my area and had narrowed down my birthing options to two; home water birth and
hospital water birth. After talking it
over with some “hippie mom,” friends I decided the latter provided some
reassurance just in case something happened I wouldn't need to travel in the
snow last minute in to the hospital.
Little by little my plan came together through talking to close friends,
discussing it with my Midwife, endless blog posts, scientific articles and of
course good ole’ Google. I was to have a
water birth as well as a four page birth plan I printed off a site that sold
organic baby products. I spent hours
preparing for this event; creating a You Tube playlist of both calming
mindfulness and upbeat songs for the big push.
I included You Tube videos of DBT skills I planned on using as I packed
my hospital bag of herbal medication, lavender and healthy snacks in a cooler.
I was prepared at 34 weeks with 6 weeks to spare. I spent the last few weeks on
a yoga ball, practicing breathing, taking evening primrose, drinking Red Leaf
Raspberry tea (with local honey of course!) and watching more You Tube videos
of natural birth than I thought possible.
At my 38 week appointment I had been suffering from an
ongoing headache and my blood pressure was elevated, they re-tested and it
remained high. I had some blood drawn to
test for preeclampsia and told to call back at 3 for results. It was unlikely, but I might be induced
soon. I went home and called back. That was New Year’s Eve and was told to
relax, lie on my side, deep breathe and take some Tylenol. The headache would not go away and I
continued to check my blood pressure at home and it remained very high. I called back the next day and told Labor
& Delivery at my hospital that my blood pressure had hit 174/129 and was
told to come in for an induction. I was immediately
admitted and told I was suddenly “very high risk,” and might have a seizure at
any moment.
My dreams of a water birth surrounded by the scent of lavender
and mindfulness exercises was thwarted when I was put in some heavy duty blood
pressure medication and told I was not able to leave the bed, eat or drink
until I gave birth and 24 hours after that to continue to prevent
seizures. I took their medical advice (I
did try talking them out of how serious it was to not avail) and began a hefty
regime of medication. The cure for preeclampsia
is delivery and the OBGYN (buh-bye Midwife) was trying to get my son out
ASAP. The next few hours were a blur or
ongoing medical check-ins, a one-on-one nurse, hunger and medication that made
me sick to my stomach. I was admitted at
around noon and that night was being told I was not allowed the “hippie haven,”
I created. I panicked and kept thinking
suddenly things would be different and I would wake up in the birthing pool to
deep breaths and the smell of fresh baby.
At 10pm that night I had a breakdown- I felt hopeless and skill
less. I had not planned for this and had
no clue what to do. I felt like I was losing my sense of control by going along
with the process of medical intervention.
My husband slept in the couch next to me in the dark, fresh off of his
dinner of a soda and a Snickers bar while I sat and waited and mourned. I cried, a lot and asked him to hand me the iPad. I had not updated anyone on what was
happening and was unable to see straight because of the meds. The first thing I did was play my business partner, Debbie Corso’s Conveyor Belt exercise video knowing I needed to begin separating the
racetrack of thoughts coming my way. I
shut my eyes and listened, creating buckets including “medical concerns,” “worst
case scenarios” and the biggest bucket of them all “the unknown.” I listed to that
video twice. From that I was able to
notice that my major fear was the unknown ahead of me and was able to use the Function of The Emotion and identify it
as survival and work on Fact Finding-
noting I was safe and being well cared for.
I then decided I needed to Radically Accept the situation- it was beyond my control and the
more I tried to fight it or continued to hope that I would wake up in a lavender
tub it was not happening. I cried some
more, mourning this lose. The OBGYN came
in to check on me and asked what I wanted to keep in my birth plan- I was
shocked. My black or white thinking lead
me to believe I had to give it all up. I
noticed using Wise Mind that I was
thinking and acting very emotionally and not being skillful. I re-drafted my 3 page plan into three important
bullet points including having immediate skin to skin contact with my son. This made me feel more in control of the
situation even if I had not moved from the bed in 12 hours.
I also noticed I was being less than kind to the nursing and
other medical staff, partly due to side effects from the medication and a larger part was me being willful and grumpy. The nurses had done nothing wrong and since I
had one-to-one care they were actually being very kind and gentle. When the nurse returned that morning I used GIVE to ask if I could have some ice
since I was so parched and not allowed even water. She checked with the doctor and I received two
cups of joy. With staff I also utilized Opposite Action and remembered to be
kind to others even if I was not feeling well. I knew I had a long day ahead of me since I
was assured I would probably deliver my son next day and knowing I was unable
to focus for very long on the iPad screen I googled mindfulness music and listened with my eyes closed until I fell
asleep. I utilized PLEASE skills as best I could and was able to get a few hours of
sleep. I also utilized Building Positive Experiences by trying
my hardest to notice the positives; I was healthy and being well cared for, the
staff was friendly and knowledgeable and most of all I was going to meet my son
soon.
For the next few hours I focused on Mindfulness and Distress
Tolerance skills. I self-soothed by holding the lavender in my hands and breathing it
in as well as listening to some of my favorite songs. I used the ice in the cup to remain focused,
I utilized Mindfulness What skills to
observe, describe and participate by releasing the pain with my breathes. I utilized IMPROVE and took a vacation thinking of the summer’s I spent with
my family as a child while it was snowing 6” outside, as well as encouragement by
telling myself I can do this. I utilized
DEAR MAN with my husband by telling
him to encourage me and even though he is squeamish he was able to help me
cheerlead and validate my feelings. I
utilized Half Smile with staff in
order to be in a place where I could get my needs meet and be kind to
others. Using Ride
the Wave allowed me to handle the physical pain a bit better as well as
some of the sudden changed in my treatment that had to be made for the safety
of myself and my son. Lastly I focused on an object in the final
moments of labor, which the nurse initiated by telling me to look at her while
I pushed.
At 10:17am my son, Javier was born to a set of parents who
were able to make the best out of a less than pleasant experience.
